This really isn’t easy for me to say because I am not really open to discussing my emotions and putting them up onto the internet because of things such as fear of ridicule. I just find that whenever I open myself up, somehow or someway I just end up being ridiculed. But I really don’t have any other outlet and I need to put these emotions somewhere. Otherwise they’re going to end up eating me from the inside.
I have been battling depression for a little over a while now. I would say I have been battling it for maybe two or so months. I’m going to say maybe three months because September was when I was beginning to face the fact that I was going to be out of a home and all my stuff was going to be put into storage. So around the end of September was when the packing was finished and when we lost our home. Anyone would be saddened at the fact that they’re homeless, right?
Well October was extremely rough on me and my Mom.. For a while we were constantly in transition and still awaiting to hear word from anyone that would take us for a job. And we weren’t hearing any. We had no place to go or even sleep, so we spent most of the time at my grandmother’s place which is of course.. a technological dead zone. No internet service, no cable service.. We really didn’t even have television. So unable to spend too much time, Mom and I went around moving from motels to motels.. We were fine for maybe two weeks. We spent the third week at my grandmother’s since we needed to keep our money saved.. But the fourth week at the motel.. proved horrendous at the end as we had to more or less deal with the fact that we were bitten by bed bugs.
So we had to leave the motel and we had no place to go.. I was getting pretty stressed out by everything which was going on. Due to the bed bug attack we had, I had to look over clothes and suitcases to make sure we didn’t bring back anything. Fortunately, we were taken in by my god mother, Juanita and we stayed for three days until we decided to travel down to Florida..
Which leads me to here and now.. Florida has been good to me and my Mom. She’s already managed to get a part time job at Target. It’s not a lot but it’s better than nothing anyway. Mom has been trying to get me through the door and a spot at Target but.. no one has called me yet. That’s not surprising to me, and I’m fine with it.. My aunt Minerva has taken us in. She’s clean, has provided great hospitality.. I should be fine, right?
I am far from alright. Because of the string of bad luck which me and my Mom have been through, we went to go see a curandero (in Latino culture, these people are spiritual healers or shamans) to determine whether or not we’ve had a jinx put on us. I am generally not a superstitious man but.. everything this man spoke hit the nail on the head. And he didn’t fish for information like the Long Island Medium, John Edwards or Ms. Cleo.. This guy was the real deal. And he even told my Mother that I had told her that.. I needed professional help. She cried upon hearing that because none of us told him that, and she knew because a few months ago before all this happened.. I told her.
I have been battling depression, but I have also been battling anger. The two are.. interchangeable at this point because I feel more angry than sad. It’s like whenever I get seriously depressed.. I don’t cry but rather I turn sadness into anger. But it has gotten out of control. The best way I can describe this feeling is like.. fire.
I lash out… I yell at people whom I’ve no reason to be angry at. I find myself being abrasive as well. I sometimes have an expression of frustration on my face, so much I can feel it. I have been trying to control my anger.. trying to distract myself.
But there is also depression as well.. I find myself not being as happy as I normally used to be. Things which interest me, no longer hold any or instead sometimes cause me very intense feelings of resentment. Wishing that things could go back to what they were.. Sometimes I have difficulty sleeping. Sometimes I don’t eat as often I should.
Also it doesn’t help that blood work determined that my cholesterol level is high from over a month of eating restaurant food during the events of October. So I’ve been trying.. to change my diet.
Two days ago.. I had an anger attack. I was on my way home from visiting my Mom at her workplace and on the way out I felt this.. flare up of rage within. I clenched my fist as hard as I could.. Felt the urge to just hit something but I reminded myself to not do so as there would be consequences.. I felt a pressure build up in my chest. Out of need I had to call someone who was very close to me to help calm me down. Breathing exercises were performed.. they helped.. and talking also helped but.. this isn’t the first time I’ve felt this.
I would say this is the worst time I’ve ever felt this. I’ve had flare ups of unexplained anger and I KNOW that I’ve no reason to feel this way but I just happen to be feeling them and have no control over it. And I don’t know when I will feel this way again.. I just have a lot of anger and resentment inside of me.
I am supposed to be seeing professional help. I just don’t know when my next visit to the counselor is going to be.
Just needed to get this out there.